Whoever Woke Me Up

Whoever woke me up is going to die.

I’d Love to But

I’d love to go on a date with you, but I have to go sit in my house by my self.

It’s a beautiful day. But not as beautiful as me.

I’m not lazy, I’m highly motivated to do nothing.

Some people just need a high five…in the face…with a chair.

I wanted to stalk him on Facebook but he never posts anything new.

Scientists have discovered that people will believe anything when you say, scientists have discovered.

I’m really glad 4th of July is on a Wednesday. Said no one ever.

THIS JUST IN: Apparently towels are the biggest cause of dry skin.

Forbidden fruit creates many jams.