TV’s Too Big

My TV is so big, can’t see all of it at once.

Hipsters Weight?

How much does a hipster weigh? An Instagram.

Do I still get down on Friday the 13th? It’s a Friday isn’t it.

If olive oil is made with olives and peanut oil with peanuts, what is baby oil made with?

That awkward moment when you’re telling a story and you realize nobodys listening so you slowly fade out and pretend you never said anything.

That awkward moment when you see someone & pretend you don’t notice them, but you both know you saw each other.

My GPS sucks. I had to drive through a black neighborhood.

Get out and give me your keys now. You’re not driving drunk on my watch.

I like my violence like I like my beer. Domestic.

Hermione, I have a confession. Before you say anything, I’m sorry. I like Ron. So do I.