I Intend To Live Forever

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I Don’t Love You!

I don’t love you, just your accent.

No, that joke didn’t go over my head, it just wasn’t funny.

An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.

What am I thankful for this Thanksgiving? Not being a turkey.

Don’t go near a scale on Thanksgiving; give your body a day or two to get rid of the 3 pounds of turkey.

There is something about watching unstable people on TV that brings me great joy.

Why do I need to learn anything when Google already has all the answers?

Everytime I lose weight, I always seem to find it again three weeks later.

You only need six things to get a girl; they’re called abs.