Tell Me All About It Tomorrow

I hope we have so much fun tonight that you have to tell me all about it tomorrow.

I Don’t Like Being Told

I do not like being told what to do unless I am naked.

I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.

The closest I’ll get to winning the Hunger Games is when I spot the last donut in the office kitchen.

Happy birthday to one of the few people whose birthday I can remember without a Facebook reminder.

If you can’t quote mean girls with me, you don’t deserve to be my friend.

When people ask me why I don’t have any tattoos I say to them, “Would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?”

Let’s factor my hangover into today’s workload.

I love being spontaneous, I just need a little warning.

Congratulations on choosing a profile picture that doesn’t qualify as softcore porn.