Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday?

Don’t think I won’t.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you..but its still on the list.

I Figured It Out

You know what your problem is? I’m too good looking.

Howdy You All

I wonder if British people sit around trying to talk in an American accent

We Are Not Friends

I hate you. Maybe not in a I hope you die kind of way, but in a I hope you develop an allergy to bacon kind of way. And ice cream.

Lets Keep Dancin

Yes, these heels are killing me, but 2 more drinks and I’ll forget I have feet.

You’ve got a friend in me

Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.


but mmooooommmmm

I’m trying to get my bridal registry ready, but my parents think registering at a liquor store is inappropriate.


Common sense is so rare these days, it should be classified as a super power

Lemmy axe you sumthin

Did you want to “ask” me or “axe” me? Because, seriously, one is murder.