Who’s Mark Twain?

It’s okay if you didn’t graduate from elementary school. Neither did Mark Twain. True story.

Why so serious?

I feel sorry for people who take things WAY to seriously.

Cosmo gives bad dating advice, so there are more single women to buy their magazines.

People in Alaska use fridges to keep food from freezing.

Disneyland is a giant people trap, run by a mouse.

If tomatoes are fruits, does that make ketchup a smoothie?

If I go in to pick up my pizza instead of having it delivered, do they have to give me a tip?

If you have a blonde moment and you’re not blonde; is it just called a dumb moment?

Celebrities are called stars because they’re hot, not very bright, unattainable & destined to eventually collapse into a black hole.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.