Let’s Stay Friends…

Your ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like kidnappers asking to stay in touch after they let you go.

Brian Drowned?

Surfs the web, drowns.

I blame Disney movies for making me think singing fixes all life’s problems.

Drives 3 hours to give girl present, “you’re such a great friend”

My hand is too big for the pringles can.

We breath air, trees make air, homework kills trees, therefore homework is going to kill us all.

I moved in on Saturday, but the internet wasn’t installed until Tuesday.

That awkward moment when you accidentally touch a piece of gum under your desk.

You can’t stand that song? Can’t stop singing it in your head.

So you’re telling me you filter already clean water?